Saturday, 18 October 2014


For those coming here and wondering what it's all about - well in a nutshell it's about this ebay scammer called Amir Tofangsazan who sold a broken laptop and thought he got away with it... 4 million site hits between this and the parent site (dormant for over a month now) and we're still waiting for the little toe sucker to make good. Probably the easiest way to understand things is to click on the picture on the left and see what Wikipedia has on on the big text to see the current Wikipedia stuff, anyway, I'm just trying to make this site as interesting as possible for daily visits until Amir raises his perverted thieving head again!
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LATEST, LATEST, LATEST UPDATE (thanks again to Von) link

LOOKS LIKE THE LITTLE THIEVING SHIT MOVED ONTO BIGGER SCAMS! - I'll try and get some more info but if any of you have a friendly journalist friend they can apply for the court documents here. Thanks to 'anonymous' for the tip. If you click on the earliest archive on the right you can get a good idea of what this guy was all about. He was even interviewed on BBC radio were he denied everything (it's somewhere in the archives). I for one am very happy he was denied bail and hope he goes to prison where his homo-erotic tendencies and foot fetishes will have another outlet.

Saturday, 30 August 2014


This Is Your Brain on Coffee: How Coffee Affects Your Brain and Body

You know how coffee makes you feel. Depending on your necessary intake level, that's anywhere from "awake and alert" to "like a functioning adult human being." But what does the caffeine physically do to your brain and body to generate that feeling? This video from AsapSCIENCE will explain the science behind your brain fuel.

Open Post: Hosted By A Relaxed-As-Hell Chihuahua Getting A Neck Massage

Who would have though that a video of a chihuahua blissing the fuck out while napping under a tiny Korean newspaper as a set of rotating rubber testicles gently massage away his little leg-humping worries would be the most relaxing thing I’d see all week? This video is more relaxing than taking a Calgon bath with Bob Ross while a basket of kittens dump a bucket of cotton balls over your head. Part of me wishes I could wake up every morning to the image of this little butterscotch nugget resting comfortably on two sets of battery-operated Truck Nutz (really, what even is that massager), but I’m afraid it might make me too calm. I don’t want to start writing shit like “Blessed be, it’s ethereal goddess Kim Kardashian exuding gentle energy and soulful light while posing with her tits out in an Instagram selfie.” And trust, nobody wants that less that me.


The only thing that could make this video any more perfect than it already is would be to set it to some Enya and loop it so that it played for at least 60 minutes. That way, I could bring it with me the next time I go to the dentist and really namaste away all my stress. Or just let me bring that dog with me when I go? Hit me up, hypnotic chihuahua!

Sometimes it's a long wait for short weight...
Films that disappointed after very high expectations
Last time I checked, cinema was supposed to be about the entertainment and expression of us as a society and culture. So why, may I ask, has it become common practice to simply advertise great films and deliver something completely different? Or to give us a fantastic film and then try to subdue us with mediocre sequels? You can’t flick through movie channels on a lazy evening at home without coming across some form of wasted potential; PandorumChronicles of Riddick, or even Spider-Man 3. This list is compiled of two types of film; the kind that have a good pedigree of cast and crew and somehow still managed to mess up, and the kind that are bad in every sense of the word but had some semblance of potential in their plot that was lost amongst whatever choices that turned it into a bad film. So here we go...
10: Taken (2008)
Taken (2008)
Taken provides 90 minutes of decent action involving Liam Neeson threatening, maiming, and killing as many faceless bad guys as you could hope to see in a brainless action film. But this is exactly my point: Taken is a perfectly adequate action thriller but is found wanting in the fields I was hoping for; particularly in light of its adverts, which seemed to think of it as a Bourne Identity-type psychological thriller. Liam Neeson is a fantastic actor, and I was disappointed to find him used for brainless, thug-like violence, rather than the chilling and thoughtful character with ninja-like skills that I had been promised, and foolishly hoped for.
9: Salt (2010)
Salt (2010)
Some may argue that the crime thriller Salt never promised much in the first place, and therefore it can’t be called a disappointment as such. But one thing it did have was potential. Wasted potential is, to me, even sadder than advertisements being better than the films themselves, and Salt is no exception. The film has an interesting plot which was executed in entirely the wrong way; it keeps you guessing, but only out of frustration at being told nothing. The writers of Saltconceal the protagonist’s identity and goal in the hope of engineering a ‘twist’ at the end of the film, creating an entirely unsympathetic character for most of the movie. It basically felt like the director was chanting “I know something you don’t know!” repeatedly from off-camera.
8: Avatar (2009)
Avatar (2009)
Despite the obvious approbation given by box office figures, I foundAvatar somewhat underwhelming. Like any other film on this list it was enjoyable enough, but the stunning visuals only went so far and could not occlude the frankly mediocre plot. The problem with having such over-the-top villains is that the audience stops caring about the story, because none of the characters feel real, and therefore whatever emotional impact you were aiming for is lost. Even the beautiful 3D environments eventually wear thin when you realise how much James Cameron could have achieved with the technology at his disposal, and yet he decided that the word ‘innovation’ meant sticking an extra pair of legs on a horse.
7: The Godfather: Part III (1990)
The Godfather Part III (1990)
After the first two films, The Godfather: Part III had no excuse to be anything but phenomenal. It wasn’t. End of story.
6: The Hurt Locker [minor spoilers] (2008)
The Hurt Locker (2008)
The Hurt Locker was given such praise by various awards ceremonies that you were hard-pressed to miss it in the cavalcade of media attention that ensued. The film, however, was underwhelming in every sense. Each scene was interesting in its own right, but as the film ends you find yourself with a significantly empty feeling. The Hurt Locker tried so hard to be poignant that it forgot to have anything but a rather obvious message that was just repeating the sentiment of other, better war films. Kathryn Bigelow's direction deserved a better plot, and I can’t help but wonder if the killing-off of the most talented cast-member in the first five minutes was an attempt to show the audience that no-one was safe - or whether it was just a successful mission of self-sabotage.
5: I Am Legend (2007)
I Am Legend (2007)
Anyone who has had the good sense to watch the alternate ending of this film will know the small fire of burning potential that I Am Legendhad at its core. Unfortunately, focus groups suggested that the original ending wasn’t good enough (despite the fact that it follows the book), and a new one was written for the cinematic release. I’m not saying that the entire success of the film depended on the ending being changed, but the ending is just one example of what is wrong with this film. It started well, and could have told a good story with a message that linked to that of the intellectually stimulating book, but instead decided to tweak it and rob it of any meaning. The end of the cinematic release does little to provoke the minds of its audience and does even less to entertain them.
4: Hancock (2008)
Hancock (2008)
Strangely, Will Smith actually appeared in many of the films that were considered for inclusion within this list. Not that I have anything against him; indeed, he’s probably the reason that Hancock was even part-way entertaining. The film’s main downfall is that it tries to follow two plot-lines; one is the intriguing story of a lonely man who uses his superpowers for good, but often causing more destruction than was needed (a clever analogy for the US if ever I saw one), and the other is a love story between ‘gods’. Both stories would work well on their own, but neither work well together and serves to create a badly hatched film whose first half doesn’t seem to correlate with its second half.
3: R.E.D. (2010)
R.E.D. with Morgan Freeman (2010)
With a cast including John Malkovich and Helen Mirren, it is hard to believe that R.E.D. even could go wrong. Hard, but not impossible. The film has its moments of comic genius as it follows a cast of retired black-ops agents, and does have an element of parody that I can appreciate, but it wasted so much of its potential on cheap gags that could’ve worked so much better given proper time and attention. The film itself didn’t seem to know whether it was trying to be serious or a parody, which made for slightly awkward viewing. A fun film for a Friday night, but the high pedigree of actor was lost on the run-of-the-mill dialogue.
2: Terminator: Salvation (2009)
Terminator: Salvation (2009)
Having been a science fiction fan my entire life, I cannot communicate to you the love that I have for the Terminator trilogy. And it is a trilogy, because I cannot include Terminator: Salvation in this spectrum. While the first two films The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Daytook themselves seriously and did it well, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines didn’t take itself seriously but did that very well; it was delightfully self-aware and playfully made fun of itself. Terminator: Salvation, however, takes itself way too seriously to be tolerable. The constant tension of Christian Bale stalking around rooms trying to look aggressive is so unintentionally comical that I can’t bring myself to like the film for any of the reasons it wants me to.
1: The Matrix sequels (2003)
Matrix Revolutions
I think I can speak for a generation of young film-goers when I say that ‘disappointment’ is an understatement when it comes to these two so-called ‘films’. The Matrix Revolutions had its share of good action, but just like the proceeding The Matrix Reloaded, it simply didn’t measure up to The Matrix. This trilogy was meant to be my generation’s Star Wars, and I feel proportionally let down by the Wachowski brothers for promising us so much. Now I know how Star Wars fans felt when George Lucas released The Phantom Menace.


Situation is eastern regions of Ukraine, August 27
"I feel like I was born into this world knowing Whitney Houston" - Nicole Scherzinger

"I've been out of my body twice. I've got information over there you can't get on Earth" - Gary Busey

28.08.14 ISSUE 704

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* Kate Bush's rotten wood
* Dan Wootton: bell end or bellend?
* Charts: Robin Schulz scores 2nd no 1

>> Mistletoe and whine <<
Silly season gets serious 

So South Yorkshire police did everything it could to stop the Times reporting the Rotherham sex abuse scandal, yet this month the very same force had been "working with a media outlet" to publicise a raid on Cliff Richard's house. What's the lesson from this? That the media is only tolerated if it can help get a celebrity conviction?

The mishandling of the Cliff operation can't even be put down to a rush for justice. It was a full 18 months ago that we remember police sources starting to brief journalists that they had Cliff Richard in their sights. Hacks had even started checking out Heathrow whenever Cliff entered the country, to see if anything was happening. So, it's unlikely this raid was done on a whim.

What started out sounding like over-eager gossip is now looking more like the police's attempt to get the media to help build the case. With the BBC's coverage of the Cliff Richard raid, they may have got their wish. But all they've managed to succeed in doing so far is making us feel bad for a man who released Livin' Doll and lends his house to Tony Blair.

And that's truly unforgivable.

Disaster befalls the Hamptons! NY Post is reporting that rosé wine stocks are so low they won't last out Labour Day. 

>> Big Question <<
What people want to know

Which Brit sports star had a Jonah Hill-style rant at paparazzi in LA over the summer? He's lucky none of the photographers were recording video when he chose to call them "faggots".

An anagram of new Liverpool signing Divock Origi is Giro Cok Divi.

>> The painter's lick <<
Kate gets Ronseal of approval

She might be flavour of the month with the great and the good but, according to passers-by on the streets of Reading, Kate Bush really needs to sort out the wooden gates outside her home there. We're reliably informed that they're rotting and could do with a good lick of wood preserver.

FYI: Jimmy White, on the other hand, keeps his gates in perfect order. Proper celeb.

Jayne Middlemiss is a chair hog. She dumped bags across three chairs in Starbucks yesterday, pretending to anyone who asked that they were taken.

>> Wielding the axe <<
Perils of internet advertising

Check out US news provider ABC's website. You can watch videos of their TV news reports. So, as you settle down to see a disturbing item on James Foley's jihadi execution, you first get an advert. It's extraordinary that brands like Volkswagen and Pfizer think that seeing a report of a beheading would get you in the mood to check out their new offerings.

50 Shades author EL James has splashed out some of her squillions on a new car. A Lamborghini? Maybach? Nope. A VW Golf.

>> Stepping up <<
Lisa is the new Danan

Seems Lisa Scott-Lee has grown bored of being a yummy mummy in Dubai, so she has gone and done what all faded stars do. She has launched her own performing arts academy.

One PR release refers to her as an 'international pop sensation', but given that the Dubai radio station she did a presenting stint with hasn't extended her contract (on account of few people knowing/caring who she is) it's unlikely the nouveau rich of Dubai will pay much heed.


FYI: Lisa's Hear'Say stand-in hubbie Jonny has hyphenated his surname to include hers. They are now Lisa Scott-Lee and Jonny Shentall-Lee. How very modern!

Paul Danan spotted at Standon Calling festival, "breakdancing" outside the rock 'n' roll smoothie stall. 

>> Dad's barmy <<
Not fit for a princess

Last weekend Peter Andre played Newmarket Racecourse. Being Andre, he brought his children out on stage and got them to pick members of the crowd to come up on stage during 'Mysterious Girl'. One of the people chosen was a very drunk woman who spent the whole song getting unnervingly close to Andre's little daughter Princess Tiaamii, who wisely tried everything to scarper, until Andre noticed and had to tell the woman (on the mic) to "get away from her".


Programme of the year, 2015? "Mark & Derek's Excellent Flip". Ballroom dancers Derek Hough and Mark Ballas buy a house and renovate it for profit.

>> RIP Dickie <<
A Popbitch memorial

When filming Shadowlands, the tense and moving scene with Anthony Hopkins at the bedside of the dying Debra Winger was filmed with a stripped down crew. There was a reverential hush as Hopkins delivered his lines but, as they finished filming the exasperated sound man cursed, complaining that there was some weird background noise that was ruining the take. The actors and crew turned to find Richard Attenborough trying and failing to stifle tears and weeping.
Get delicious fresh coffee for home or work without spending a small fortune on each cup! Pact Coffee will send you a 250g bag for just ONE POUND with free P&P, a saving of 5.95GBP - use code "popbitch08" now. Future bags 6.95GBP, delivered when you need them:

>> Cops and rubbers <<
The feels on the bus

Fans of serial manure-perv David Truscott might have a new hero in Philip Milne, the Bedford pensioner who was a caught shampooing his genitals on the X5 bus last year. Well, after insisting that he had 'learned his lesson' and that he was 'no hardened criminal' (fnar fnar) he has just been in court this month having been caught giving himself two further scrubbings on the very same bus route.

A burglar in Falkirk was caught after he used his victim's computer mid-burglary to search for second-hand dealers in the Falkirk area to sell his swag to.

>> Morning bellend  <<
It's Daniella v Dan

When we leaked the Sunday Sport's style guide a few weeks back, many of you seemed surprised that anyone would struggle to correctly style the word 'bellend' but it's a more common problem than you'd think.

Why, only just this morning Daniella Westbrook sent a(now deleted) tweet to Dan Wootton calling him a 'bell end'. But obviously, as we all know, he isn't. He's a 'bellend'.
Quality urban art sale continues... more going up Thurs eve (28th) after 8pm (BST). 50+ pieces inc Obey, Banksy, Rourke Van Dal, Mark Forshman, Godmachine, Crosshair, Mike Giant + Amazing Movie Art... & More!

>> Hmms <<
Bellend, Christeene, otters

BBC weather has Sara Blizzard, New York TV has...

After holidaying in Sandy Balls, this looks a good place for an autumn retreat:

Richard Dawkins can add 'otters' to the list of animals he's watched sixty-nine:

Leeds Rhinos captain, as you've never seen him before.
All together now, "I close my eyes, drew back the curtain..."

Chisteene wowed Edinburgh. Nice interview:

Robin Schulz's latest remix is not a patch on Waves but do you prefer it to Maroon 5? One of these will be number one on Sunday:

Twitter anagrams:

Old Jokes Home
Q/ What internet search engine
do Israelis use?
A/ Netanyahoo

Still Bored:
X-Factor starts this weekend. Adam Macqueen has worked out their PR formula so you can see what's going to happen this season, only in the Popbitch phone/tablet magazine. Should work on any smartphone,
and available here on Android, Kindle, Apple: